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Leisure Travel ENJOYING LIFE WITH YOUR PLANE
Humor: Passenger Safety Briefing
Although we are all required to give a passenger safety briefing prior to every flight, few of us have any idea what to say. Pilot Claude Blackburn put some thought into it and here is what he came up with.
PROPELLERS: Please stay away from the airplane propellers. It’s unlikely that a prop will start suddenly, but if it does Murphy’s Law suggests, you’ll be in the way. When a moving propeller contacts a passenger, it makes a big mess. This leads to flight delays and higher insurance rates, so please be careful.
SEATBELTS: You’ll need to keep your seatbelt fastened snugly at all times. This shouldn’t be a problem, since most of the flight you’ll be scared ****less from the turbulence.
EMERGENCY EXIT: I’ll show you how to use the emergency exit of the Diamond DA40. While rare, it is possible that an airplane under my command could land upside down. In that situation, the front canopy exit will be unusable and it will become your primary responsibility to open the rear canopy and drag the pilot out the exit before exiting yourself.
FLIGHT CONTROLS: Please don’t touch the controls until I specifically tell you it’s OK. You’ll have plenty of time to try your hand at flying, but it is only after I specifically say so or when I fall asleep. Usually I’ll wait until the other passengers are just getting comfortable and then I’ll announce that a non-pilot will be taking the controls and making his/her first landing attempt.
IN FLIGHT OPS: Since I can’t afford a bigger airplane, you might be sitting in the co-pilot’s seat. This helps fool other passengers into believing they are safe if I have a heart attack. As a female passenger, you may experience the pilot “feeling around.” This is because the throttle is close to your left thigh, the flap lever is located near your right knee, the stick is located near your crotch and the pilot is near sighted. Don’t be alarmed if you are touched, it is only by accident.
HEADSETS: You will be given the oldest and likely a defective headset to wear during the flight. Please wear it at all times. Passenger headsets completely obliterate in-flight complaints and can dampen your screams during emergencies. This makes the flight a lot less stressful for the pilot.
DON’T PANIC: No matter what happens, don’t panic without my permission. Fear is contagious and if you’re scared, I’ll get really freaked out. There are really very few things that go wrong with Diamond Aircraft. When things do go wrong, there isn’t much chance of survival anyway; screaming will only reduce the time left for praying. Don’t worry. You may have heard that the most dangerous part of flying is the drive to the airport. This is complete bunk. The truth is that statistically speaking, flying is only slightly more dangerous than motorcycle racing.
BUMPS IN THE AIR: Don’t worry if the air feels “bumpy.” Most likely it is just some rising and decending air currents from cumulonimbus clouds. That’s normal. You will probably find some of the sensations intense, shocking, and frightening. That’s normal too. Usually lightweight airplanes like this don’t break unless they are flown too fast and the wings fall off. I will do my best to keep that from happening.
IF YOU FEEL SICK: If at any point you feel sick or nauseous, please let me know so I can make sure you puke in the right direction. We do have a supply of air sickness bags located in the compartment below the baggage area. This area is nearly inaccessible and the bags are expensive, so use something else. Preferably your hat or handbag; your shoe will work in a jam.
USING THE BATHROOM: The DA40 doesn’t have a bathroom but I do carry a supply of ”Travel Johns.” Travel Johns are simple and easy to use. All that’s required is that you pull your pants down to your ankles, spread your legs as wide as possible in the 50” cabin, press the plastic collar close to your privates and pee directly into the opening. This is especially interesting for those sitting in the front with the stick between their legs, and very entertaining for the rest of us.
IF YOU HAVE QUESTIONS: If you have questions about anything, by all means feel free to ask. However, if I’m busy flying the airplane, listening on the radio or twisting dials on my G1000, don’t expect an answer right away. I really can’t concentrate on flying and talking at the same time. Most likely your question is irrelevant anyway. I’ve heard all the dumb questions before and I’ve forgotten the answers to any serious flight questions years ago.
WHEN THE ENGINE NOISE STOPS: Don't be overly alarmed when you hear the engine get quiet. This usually happens when we are on final approach to land and when I idle back, the engine just quits. You may have heard that airplane engines are extremely reliable. The truth is that airplanes engines use outdated 1950s technology and sometimes they just quit for no reason or when I forget to switch fuel tanks. One never knows for sure how long an engine will last.
TRAFFIC AVOIDANCE: Most likely you didn’t pay anything for this flight, since by FAA regulations only properly trained and certified pilots can be compensated. The old cliché, “you get what you pay for” holds true in aviation as well. With that in mind, you are responsible for making sure we don’t fly into another airplane. Your job is to keep a sharp lookout while I focus most of my attention on my beautiful G1000 glass panel.
Don’t expect me to be capable of managing my G1000 glass cockpit AND be looking for traffic. I’m not a professional pilot and you knew that when you boarded my airplane.
Now, we'll go flying and have some fun! To reply to this story, visit aviatorsguide.com/travelogue/reply 
—Sean Fulton
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